... but, I can't go back,
I don't want too.
Cause all my mistakes,
they brought me to you.
12.22.2010
would you hear me...?
Forever always seems to be around when it begins,
but forever never seems to be around when it ends.
People spend so much time every single day...
runnin' round all over town giving their forever away
But no, not me, I wont let my forever roam,
now I hope I can find my forever home.
So give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do... from you.
---------------
I'd rather walk along, than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself, than let you drag me down.
Further along we just may....
-----
when your whole world is shaken, from all the risks you've have taken
when you have awoken, from all the dreams broken
the paths were walking on, they crumble behind us
but if we leave now, they will never find us
when you start hoping again, with your arms wide open...
come on dance with me into the colors of the dusk
but forever never seems to be around when it ends.
People spend so much time every single day...
runnin' round all over town giving their forever away
But no, not me, I wont let my forever roam,
now I hope I can find my forever home.
So give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do... from you.
---------------
I'd rather walk along, than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself, than let you drag me down.
Further along we just may....
-----
when your whole world is shaken, from all the risks you've have taken
when you have awoken, from all the dreams broken
the paths were walking on, they crumble behind us
but if we leave now, they will never find us
when you start hoping again, with your arms wide open...
come on dance with me into the colors of the dusk
12.19.2010
'apple of my eye'
I miss the bejesus out of you Dad,
There is so much about what happened, what you did that I will never understand. So many thing etched into me permanently from that day. My life had drastically changed without my knowledge and again, I was left trying to hold myself together. I have my days when I accept as much as I can about your decision and I have my days when my soul aches. I do hope that you found the peace you needed. I love you.
------
memories that should be pleasant, filled with pain and loss.
pictures that would represent what should be, now fill space in a shoebox
dreams shattered without her knowledge
she trembles, tears from a heavy heart stream down her face
she keeps breathing
-----
is it easier to be a robot and not feel anything than to feel everything?
shutting down doesn't work anymore... not with this
walls crumble over time and I'm too tired to put them back up
raw... but real, everything is real
-----
12.15.2010
12.12.2010
simple and strong
set me free and let me be...
i'll do me & you do you,
its healthier than the games we used to do.
as darkness settles into the twilight,
the release of all & nothing come with it.
feelings dissipate,
being of my own being again
& realizations that were long overdue.
heartache & pain, necessary evils
its what i choose to do with it.
it touches & changes me
ever knowing,
ever growing
into the person that i am meant to be.
--------------------------------------------------
life isn't fully lived without pain, laughter and love
--------------------------------------------------
some of the simplest things evoke the strongest emotions- and for that i am grateful!
i'll do me & you do you,
its healthier than the games we used to do.
as darkness settles into the twilight,
the release of all & nothing come with it.
feelings dissipate,
being of my own being again
& realizations that were long overdue.
heartache & pain, necessary evils
its what i choose to do with it.
it touches & changes me
ever knowing,
ever growing
into the person that i am meant to be.
--------------------------------------------------
life isn't fully lived without pain, laughter and love
--------------------------------------------------
some of the simplest things evoke the strongest emotions- and for that i am grateful!
12.09.2010
cause I have nothing left in me to give tonight
That secret that you know
That you don't know how to tell
it f--ks with your honor
And it teases your head
But you know that its good girl
Cause its running you with red. - Bon Iver
12.08.2010
12.02.2010
no vacancy
"get out of my head" - you are not able to suck up space in my head without my permission or paying a toll...
thoughts drift to and fro... as quickly as the wind blows
melodies play in my heart of things unspoken but felt to the core of my being
fragile eyes look out unto the world
wonder
longing
desire
hope
exterior masks start to crumble as pieces of myself stand again
---------------------
... but this is the part where I tell you about the gradual reclamation of my soul, isn't it? I admit that the soul's not nearly mine yet. There are still several payments to make but I'll begin by saying that I discovered that there was something there for me to reclaim.
- excerpt from the book 'how soon is never?'
---------------------
I'm busy holding myself together with tape and glue...
pieces of me broken,
patches of my life,
myself,
being held together with tape and glue...
sometimes this is simply all I can muster to do.
(early 2010)
thoughts drift to and fro... as quickly as the wind blows
melodies play in my heart of things unspoken but felt to the core of my being
fragile eyes look out unto the world
wonder
longing
desire
hope
exterior masks start to crumble as pieces of myself stand again
---------------------
... but this is the part where I tell you about the gradual reclamation of my soul, isn't it? I admit that the soul's not nearly mine yet. There are still several payments to make but I'll begin by saying that I discovered that there was something there for me to reclaim.
- excerpt from the book 'how soon is never?'
---------------------
I'm busy holding myself together with tape and glue...
pieces of me broken,
patches of my life,
myself,
being held together with tape and glue...
sometimes this is simply all I can muster to do.
(early 2010)
11.25.2010
changeover
I will not be stifled
by those who deny growth
by ideas which forbid unfolding
by laws which suppress maturing.
I will not be intimidated
by the dictates of permanence.
I will not be smothered
by pretty mediocrity.
I will not be restrained
by the safe players.
I will protest the denial of life
and forge ahead.
How else will you and I meet?
The common place will not feed us.
We will starve in the middle of plenty.
I will make contact with myself
and grow toward you
with that extra sense of touch.
I will see you with the inner eye,
hear your unspoken words,
walk more than a mile with you.
I will be unpredictable.
I will live.
- Ulrich Schaffer
----------------------------------------------------------------
All growing is changing
from one state to another.
Leaving a world behind,
entering the fear of the
unaccustomed;
of colors that don't blend
of holy words that jar
of fractures that give rise
to visions.
We have left one realm
but have not arrived at the other.
We have given up one safety
but not gained another.
Above the gazing crowd
the trapeze artist lets go of his swing,
and then, if his timing is right
seizes the other swing,
without
asking time to stop for him.
That is the fight into growth.
That is the changeover
in which we experience our nakedness
to the point of hurting.
But there is not real growth without leaping,
without burning bridges
and standing wide- eyed and shivering
on a new shore.
And yet
without growth
there is nothing.
-Ulrich Schaffer
by those who deny growth
by ideas which forbid unfolding
by laws which suppress maturing.
I will not be intimidated
by the dictates of permanence.
I will not be smothered
by pretty mediocrity.
I will not be restrained
by the safe players.
I will protest the denial of life
and forge ahead.
How else will you and I meet?
The common place will not feed us.
We will starve in the middle of plenty.
I will make contact with myself
and grow toward you
with that extra sense of touch.
I will see you with the inner eye,
hear your unspoken words,
walk more than a mile with you.
I will be unpredictable.
I will live.
- Ulrich Schaffer
----------------------------------------------------------------
All growing is changing
from one state to another.
Leaving a world behind,
entering the fear of the
unaccustomed;
of colors that don't blend
of holy words that jar
of fractures that give rise
to visions.
We have left one realm
but have not arrived at the other.
We have given up one safety
but not gained another.
Above the gazing crowd
the trapeze artist lets go of his swing,
and then, if his timing is right
seizes the other swing,
without
asking time to stop for him.
That is the fight into growth.
That is the changeover
in which we experience our nakedness
to the point of hurting.
But there is not real growth without leaping,
without burning bridges
and standing wide- eyed and shivering
on a new shore.
And yet
without growth
there is nothing.
-Ulrich Schaffer
chaos vs. simplicity... where to even begin?
It has been awhile, quite awhile actually.
Lets start with the basics:
I have a daughter, a beautiful, just shy of being two little girl who is the 'apple of my eye'- she literally makes my heart dance with joy just being around her.
I am a single.
I went back to working for a previous employer, it puts a roof over 'bugs' head and pays our bills and in this economy I am grateful.
I think that covers it, or at least what I want to cover for the time being.
I have been writing a lot lately, most of it is just random thoughts that pop into my head or things that I just need to scribble down on the back of an old receipt so that I can take back my brain for awhile. I haven't had the urge or craving to draw lately, which is rather sad... its such a good outlet for me to have (along with some coffee and music). Maybe it will return, but for now I'll be content with the scribblings on receipts that I keep and ponder on later down the road at times. Poetry comes and goes in my brain, but I haven't written anything down for awhile for fear that it will become permanent... what an odd fear, now that I see it in writing. Possibly a fear that the words will be so strong and overcome me with permanence is a better way to put it?
Lets start with the basics:
I have a daughter, a beautiful, just shy of being two little girl who is the 'apple of my eye'- she literally makes my heart dance with joy just being around her.
I am a single.
I went back to working for a previous employer, it puts a roof over 'bugs' head and pays our bills and in this economy I am grateful.
I think that covers it, or at least what I want to cover for the time being.
I have been writing a lot lately, most of it is just random thoughts that pop into my head or things that I just need to scribble down on the back of an old receipt so that I can take back my brain for awhile. I haven't had the urge or craving to draw lately, which is rather sad... its such a good outlet for me to have (along with some coffee and music). Maybe it will return, but for now I'll be content with the scribblings on receipts that I keep and ponder on later down the road at times. Poetry comes and goes in my brain, but I haven't written anything down for awhile for fear that it will become permanent... what an odd fear, now that I see it in writing. Possibly a fear that the words will be so strong and overcome me with permanence is a better way to put it?
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