goodbye

you sent me to the brink last night...

sadly, i've known that conversation has been a long time in the making, and that it would happen sooner or later. i wasn't prepared for it to be last night, but i don't think i could have ever been able to prepare for what you said.

i'm letting go of you, of this false image of what you should have been in my life, cause in reality, you are just a man. you gave me life and i thank you for that, but it ends there.

see i had a father, an amazing dad (who stepped up when he didn't have to, but wanted too), who i miss everyday dearly! he was the one i needed in my life, to show me beauty, love, compassion, strength and humility to live and occasionally, to fall down, pick myself up and take on life again, unafraid.

i say goodbye, this isn't healthy and i've been through too much in my young life to allow you to treat me the way you did last night, again! i have spent endless time and energy trying to figure out where i went wrong... here's the thing it took last night to open my eyes, it wasn't & isn't me nor my fault. i was an infant, you chose to leave. i stood up to you finally, and am not going to feel guilty anymore for your choices that you made that affected our relationship.

i said what i needed to say last night. i made my 'peace' with the reality of our relationship, there is none... and now, now i let you go and move forward, putting one foot in front of the other, breathing and knowing that this didn't break me. does it hurt, yea... but pain fades and all things heal with time & patience.

i am still me, with or without you.

blood is not always thicker...

just because we are blood, does NOT make you family!

family:
is unconditional.
is love.
is respect.
is care.
is strength.
is belief.
is there for you.

... too little, too late.

i made it this far in my life without you, and like who i am! i'm tired of the guilt trips you lay down, the truth is you left me when i was 3 days old. that was your choice.

i had an amazing father, who loved me for me, unconditionally. who was there, believed in me and stood by my side throughout my life. i was blessed-n-lucky to have had him in my life for the time i did & will forever be grateful.

the middle

i am not the person i once was,
and i am not the person i will be.
i am somewhere in the middle,
the middle of being me.

trs 11'

Eyes wide open

I picked up my camera again, it's been a long time. Felt good, like crawling back into a part of myself I let go of. Through the lens I like how I can skew the view of the world into raw images, amazing how comfortable I became within a few clicks of the shutter. Letting go of the anger, frustration, fear and regrets/remorse. I am not innocent in all this, I know I caused pain and let pain be placed upon me... But I'm not 'damaged goods' and I try to forgive everyday, sometime multiple times a day. Anger is wasted energy on me, I want to put my energy into positives, healing and being myself again. So far so good, somedays are worse than others and somedays are beautiful, but as long as I can move forward I will be ok. I have the most supportive family & friends I could ask for, they have truly loved me where I am at and believe in me. I cannot ask for more in them for they have been everything that I have needed, even if I didn't want it. In situations like this you find out quickly who has your back unconditionally and who you can let go of. Sides were chosen, as I expected and that is ok. I have let go of wanting to know why? I don't need or get to know, I have accepted this. Realizations aren't always easy to face and can be painful to get through, but no one said life was easy and that everything you need would be handed to you... It isn't. I have to put in the work to heal myself and be me again, it isn't going to just happen. This journey has been difficult to say the least, but the more I move forward the
more I like what I am discovering and reconnecting with myself. A lot of tears, anger, resentments but there also been a lot of love, laughter and healing thus far. The heart, mind and soul of an individual are strong and if given the opportunity can pull through just about anything if belief and faith in oneself is present, even in the smallest amount... It will grow and flourish. No one can bring or give me happiness, that is for me to find again, which I am and it is extremely beautiful. No one is in charge of my happiness or my life, this is all on me and I am grateful for the strength I have to get through this and have come across some amazing realizations and discoveries that have helped me heal tremendously. I like being back in my skin again, in charge of my life, well being and happiness instead of just going through the motions and being 'there' but checked out. People can add to my happiness and make me laugh and remember this is all temporary as long as I keep moving forward and forgive. I like me again, I love life again and damn I missed laughing, feels so good to laugh- it's such a good release!

the road not taken by robert frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.