OLD STUFF

Time beside me, it is truly at test of virtue. I paused for a week or so to watch the crazy imagery of colors circling the sky in emerald and auburn. Beyond all the complexity and intertwining colors above me (so perfectly settled in the atmosphere)…it all seems so simple and beautiful, freeing almost. Tic, tic, tock, tic, tic, tock… Does anything this raspy voice I hear, tell me the truth? I create, each and every waking day something of substance, for my heart to rest in the melodies of the madness that play alongside the rumble of tires on pavement and my thumb tapping the steering wheel. Meeting myself somewhere… somewhere in the distance, the clouds carry on, on with their conversation. I chase the blackness of tar ever drawn out into the horizon, and roll on…
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When one is pulled in numerous directions do they not detach? Some days it feels like there is so much going on (inside me and all around me)… that I feel like a string puppet waiting for the next move of the master puppeteer in the sky to guide me as to where to go. Everyday things surround me in a muddle. Internally, I cringe not knowing where to begin, this mass pile of emotion has built up and enmeshed itself with my innards, making a simple move difficult or doubtful. Things seem to appear so differently on the outer surface... I try to appear put together, that mostly things are in order, when the truth sits at my side, patiently awaiting its turn. Life, my life isn’t a nice bow-tied package all tidy and clean cut... it’s a cluster. A mixture of interlocked emotions, scenarios, music notes, faces, words, and memories (good and bad)... life is life. I expect nothing more and nothing less of it. 04'
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why is it...
do I still do what is already known
outcomes of reason
possibilities of logic
sail away within my day
never knowing
always growing
ever changing
constant imagery before my eyes
awareness into the depths of my core
white breath
exhale
inhale
once again repeat 04'
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Sideways from Sunday, I breathe in simplicity.
Conversations held mask deep rooted emotions.
Gravity settles on my chest and I feel safe crying beneath the rain.
Emptiness and nothingness do not come without a price tag.
I talk with the stars for comfort as the moon escapes my fingertips.
My heart and its contents entwine, creating a web spun from the contents of my life.
Time quickly passes and clocks remain frozen still.
Images of beauty fill wasted space inside my imagination.
Echoes in my laughter bring tears of bliss that roll down my cheek.
A gentle embracing whisper pulls me awake.
I remember… remember the voice that loves me.04'
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Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence 04'
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Simple things make me, make my days brighter and help me slow down in the middle of the busier side of life that I have become accustom too. When I was out yesterday I noticed some of the simpler things that easily get overlooked in the hustle and shuffle of everyday. The sound of children playing, the way grass feels on bare feet, picking an old dandelion and blowing the seeds off into the wind, smiling and saying ‘hi’ to people in passing. I walked down the alley to the park near my apt. last night and came across a single painted daisy growing out of a crack in the pavement. I stopped and studied it, contemplated going to get my camera to capture it but then decided to keep it to myself and started walking again and placed the solo daisy in my place of feel goods and memories. 04'
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Inexperienced minds (souls) think they have the upper hand, passing out pain to those unknowing… only to speak of honesty and trust. I laugh. Honesty and trust? I have yet to meet someone other than a close friend or family member who will say what they mean and mean what they say. I find that rather sad, and it grieves me for the future. If people cannot be honest and trustworthy then what are we left and what is going to happen with future generations taught? Will we become a society based on corrupt souls who survive off each other and what we can gain from other people? 05'
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Quote by William James – “I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big successes. I am for those tiny, invisible loving human forces that work from individual to individual, creeping through the crannies of the world like so many rootlets, or like the capillaries.”

I have a song that I keep listening too, in excess. It reaches into my being and clutches the dreamer inside me… stirring my wanderlust (which I try so hard to keep at bay). Yearning to be somewhere else, for something else… not knowing why, what or where precisely, but in the meantime I’m overcome with a sense of inner peace. 05'
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Imagine a stargazing vision of growing wings. Beautiful, elegant wings so that you might fly free. Soaring into the unknown world of dreams, hopes, beliefs, and wishes only to realize that you were truly free to begin with. It's the choices, and decisions that you make daily that hinder you feeling to be free and fly. Never forget the feeling of soaring in the world, with the wind gently blowing at your face, the lightness you feel in your toes and your carefree stature...because you are flying free with wings that you imagined for yourself. 05'

wind through the willow

in the wee hours of the night pondering what the lesson is in all this, the last yr of my life. am i happy? yes! have the pain, tears & heartache been without reward? no, i have reaped so many benefits from this, even if it doesn't feel like it at times- i know in my heart i have. i am happy (most days), content and free. i am myself again, and that is an amazing feeling. it's been quiet the journey back to discovering myself again. funny the things you promise or barter with the spirits out there if you could only crawl back into yourself- maybe a little bruised and banged up, but not broken. i will never give up who i am again or allow someone to tear me down & strip me of who i am to fit 'their' mold. nothing is that important that you need to lose yourself for another. there is always compromise, flexibility and mtg halfway. ppl can't change ppl, just accept & love them as they are- that is all anyone can ask. to be loved, cared for, accepted for who they truly are unconditionally.


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there's a reason i said i'd be happy alone.
it wasn't cause i thought i'd be happy alone.
it was because i thought if i loved someone,
and then it fell apart...
i might not make it.

it's easier to be alone
because what if you learn that you need love,
and then you don't have it.

what if you like it and lean on it
what if you shape your life around it
and then it falls apart...
or does it?

-Unknown