... but, I can't go back,
I don't want too.
Cause all my mistakes,
they brought me to you.
12.22.2010
would you hear me...?
Forever always seems to be around when it begins,
but forever never seems to be around when it ends.
People spend so much time every single day...
runnin' round all over town giving their forever away
But no, not me, I wont let my forever roam,
now I hope I can find my forever home.
So give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do... from you.
---------------
I'd rather walk along, than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself, than let you drag me down.
Further along we just may....
-----
when your whole world is shaken, from all the risks you've have taken
when you have awoken, from all the dreams broken
the paths were walking on, they crumble behind us
but if we leave now, they will never find us
when you start hoping again, with your arms wide open...
come on dance with me into the colors of the dusk
but forever never seems to be around when it ends.
People spend so much time every single day...
runnin' round all over town giving their forever away
But no, not me, I wont let my forever roam,
now I hope I can find my forever home.
So give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do... from you.
---------------
I'd rather walk along, than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself, than let you drag me down.
Further along we just may....
-----
when your whole world is shaken, from all the risks you've have taken
when you have awoken, from all the dreams broken
the paths were walking on, they crumble behind us
but if we leave now, they will never find us
when you start hoping again, with your arms wide open...
come on dance with me into the colors of the dusk
12.19.2010
'apple of my eye'
I miss the bejesus out of you Dad,
There is so much about what happened, what you did that I will never understand. So many thing etched into me permanently from that day. My life had drastically changed without my knowledge and again, I was left trying to hold myself together. I have my days when I accept as much as I can about your decision and I have my days when my soul aches. I do hope that you found the peace you needed. I love you.
------
memories that should be pleasant, filled with pain and loss.
pictures that would represent what should be, now fill space in a shoebox
dreams shattered without her knowledge
she trembles, tears from a heavy heart stream down her face
she keeps breathing
-----
is it easier to be a robot and not feel anything than to feel everything?
shutting down doesn't work anymore... not with this
walls crumble over time and I'm too tired to put them back up
raw... but real, everything is real
-----
12.15.2010
12.12.2010
simple and strong
set me free and let me be...
i'll do me & you do you,
its healthier than the games we used to do.
as darkness settles into the twilight,
the release of all & nothing come with it.
feelings dissipate,
being of my own being again
& realizations that were long overdue.
heartache & pain, necessary evils
its what i choose to do with it.
it touches & changes me
ever knowing,
ever growing
into the person that i am meant to be.
--------------------------------------------------
life isn't fully lived without pain, laughter and love
--------------------------------------------------
some of the simplest things evoke the strongest emotions- and for that i am grateful!
i'll do me & you do you,
its healthier than the games we used to do.
as darkness settles into the twilight,
the release of all & nothing come with it.
feelings dissipate,
being of my own being again
& realizations that were long overdue.
heartache & pain, necessary evils
its what i choose to do with it.
it touches & changes me
ever knowing,
ever growing
into the person that i am meant to be.
--------------------------------------------------
life isn't fully lived without pain, laughter and love
--------------------------------------------------
some of the simplest things evoke the strongest emotions- and for that i am grateful!
12.09.2010
cause I have nothing left in me to give tonight
That secret that you know
That you don't know how to tell
it f--ks with your honor
And it teases your head
But you know that its good girl
Cause its running you with red. - Bon Iver
12.08.2010
12.02.2010
no vacancy
"get out of my head" - you are not able to suck up space in my head without my permission or paying a toll...
thoughts drift to and fro... as quickly as the wind blows
melodies play in my heart of things unspoken but felt to the core of my being
fragile eyes look out unto the world
wonder
longing
desire
hope
exterior masks start to crumble as pieces of myself stand again
---------------------
... but this is the part where I tell you about the gradual reclamation of my soul, isn't it? I admit that the soul's not nearly mine yet. There are still several payments to make but I'll begin by saying that I discovered that there was something there for me to reclaim.
- excerpt from the book 'how soon is never?'
---------------------
I'm busy holding myself together with tape and glue...
pieces of me broken,
patches of my life,
myself,
being held together with tape and glue...
sometimes this is simply all I can muster to do.
(early 2010)
thoughts drift to and fro... as quickly as the wind blows
melodies play in my heart of things unspoken but felt to the core of my being
fragile eyes look out unto the world
wonder
longing
desire
hope
exterior masks start to crumble as pieces of myself stand again
---------------------
... but this is the part where I tell you about the gradual reclamation of my soul, isn't it? I admit that the soul's not nearly mine yet. There are still several payments to make but I'll begin by saying that I discovered that there was something there for me to reclaim.
- excerpt from the book 'how soon is never?'
---------------------
I'm busy holding myself together with tape and glue...
pieces of me broken,
patches of my life,
myself,
being held together with tape and glue...
sometimes this is simply all I can muster to do.
(early 2010)
11.25.2010
changeover
I will not be stifled
by those who deny growth
by ideas which forbid unfolding
by laws which suppress maturing.
I will not be intimidated
by the dictates of permanence.
I will not be smothered
by pretty mediocrity.
I will not be restrained
by the safe players.
I will protest the denial of life
and forge ahead.
How else will you and I meet?
The common place will not feed us.
We will starve in the middle of plenty.
I will make contact with myself
and grow toward you
with that extra sense of touch.
I will see you with the inner eye,
hear your unspoken words,
walk more than a mile with you.
I will be unpredictable.
I will live.
- Ulrich Schaffer
----------------------------------------------------------------
All growing is changing
from one state to another.
Leaving a world behind,
entering the fear of the
unaccustomed;
of colors that don't blend
of holy words that jar
of fractures that give rise
to visions.
We have left one realm
but have not arrived at the other.
We have given up one safety
but not gained another.
Above the gazing crowd
the trapeze artist lets go of his swing,
and then, if his timing is right
seizes the other swing,
without
asking time to stop for him.
That is the fight into growth.
That is the changeover
in which we experience our nakedness
to the point of hurting.
But there is not real growth without leaping,
without burning bridges
and standing wide- eyed and shivering
on a new shore.
And yet
without growth
there is nothing.
-Ulrich Schaffer
by those who deny growth
by ideas which forbid unfolding
by laws which suppress maturing.
I will not be intimidated
by the dictates of permanence.
I will not be smothered
by pretty mediocrity.
I will not be restrained
by the safe players.
I will protest the denial of life
and forge ahead.
How else will you and I meet?
The common place will not feed us.
We will starve in the middle of plenty.
I will make contact with myself
and grow toward you
with that extra sense of touch.
I will see you with the inner eye,
hear your unspoken words,
walk more than a mile with you.
I will be unpredictable.
I will live.
- Ulrich Schaffer
----------------------------------------------------------------
All growing is changing
from one state to another.
Leaving a world behind,
entering the fear of the
unaccustomed;
of colors that don't blend
of holy words that jar
of fractures that give rise
to visions.
We have left one realm
but have not arrived at the other.
We have given up one safety
but not gained another.
Above the gazing crowd
the trapeze artist lets go of his swing,
and then, if his timing is right
seizes the other swing,
without
asking time to stop for him.
That is the fight into growth.
That is the changeover
in which we experience our nakedness
to the point of hurting.
But there is not real growth without leaping,
without burning bridges
and standing wide- eyed and shivering
on a new shore.
And yet
without growth
there is nothing.
-Ulrich Schaffer
chaos vs. simplicity... where to even begin?
It has been awhile, quite awhile actually.
Lets start with the basics:
I have a daughter, a beautiful, just shy of being two little girl who is the 'apple of my eye'- she literally makes my heart dance with joy just being around her.
I am a single.
I went back to working for a previous employer, it puts a roof over 'bugs' head and pays our bills and in this economy I am grateful.
I think that covers it, or at least what I want to cover for the time being.
I have been writing a lot lately, most of it is just random thoughts that pop into my head or things that I just need to scribble down on the back of an old receipt so that I can take back my brain for awhile. I haven't had the urge or craving to draw lately, which is rather sad... its such a good outlet for me to have (along with some coffee and music). Maybe it will return, but for now I'll be content with the scribblings on receipts that I keep and ponder on later down the road at times. Poetry comes and goes in my brain, but I haven't written anything down for awhile for fear that it will become permanent... what an odd fear, now that I see it in writing. Possibly a fear that the words will be so strong and overcome me with permanence is a better way to put it?
Lets start with the basics:
I have a daughter, a beautiful, just shy of being two little girl who is the 'apple of my eye'- she literally makes my heart dance with joy just being around her.
I am a single.
I went back to working for a previous employer, it puts a roof over 'bugs' head and pays our bills and in this economy I am grateful.
I think that covers it, or at least what I want to cover for the time being.
I have been writing a lot lately, most of it is just random thoughts that pop into my head or things that I just need to scribble down on the back of an old receipt so that I can take back my brain for awhile. I haven't had the urge or craving to draw lately, which is rather sad... its such a good outlet for me to have (along with some coffee and music). Maybe it will return, but for now I'll be content with the scribblings on receipts that I keep and ponder on later down the road at times. Poetry comes and goes in my brain, but I haven't written anything down for awhile for fear that it will become permanent... what an odd fear, now that I see it in writing. Possibly a fear that the words will be so strong and overcome me with permanence is a better way to put it?
5.24.2006
random writing and poems
Ahhis this the other end of my brain (said the spider to the fly)? Though you may be sleeping, and I am awake the world may be a bit off-centered, but I have fairy dust faith in saying that we will surely overcorrect the damage done, with enthusiasm adventures awaiting you and I, or me and you, (a.e.i.o.u and sometimes why?) in the midst of the maze only to be had with caf o mania and cackles o plenty protruding from bellies beyond anything anyone is even knowledgeable of thus, my associate wake and we shall tread on the world in style leaving no doors to barricade our wanderlust vision. The Ghostbusters are creeping closer and closer but have yet to find me (safely wedged in my cubicle). Shhhh, its a secret, do not tell them where I am located. I beg of you, youre forefathers and the voices (in your head, or was it mine) for the being of my safety harness is in jeopardy!!! It was a close call yesterday, phew! They were clinging to my exhaust pipe on my sleek black samurai Hummer honda, while I trailed up hwy 52 home but I got em, I got em good too! A teardrop on the dark side of the moon life I live, strumming along with my tires on the pavement for this is one wild hwy I travel. Some days it feels more like a wave coaster, but sadly I think this only when I am stuck in auto pilot for the sea monkeys have invaded my common sense and all is lost to the unknown of King Kong and his endless growing infatuation with lima beans. I will eat you alive, I mumble.
untitled:
Silver clouds create pressure on the air which I breathe
Small stints of comedic relief wither and wane
Undeviating reminders of unpleasing times
Wasting time over things which will never be
Darkness holds on as light begins to creep through the crack
Suggestions of simplicity in a world of complications are welcome
Rhythms catch my toes to tap
Sincerity goes a long way in retrospect of a person's day
Wrapped inside the safeness of arms
Love equals warmth
My heart is built of pleasure & pain and inside my brain I hate that some days it all seems the same
TRS 05'
"until I can find me, I'll be what I am" -crooked fingers
untitled:
Silver clouds create pressure on the air which I breathe
Small stints of comedic relief wither and wane
Undeviating reminders of unpleasing times
Wasting time over things which will never be
Darkness holds on as light begins to creep through the crack
Suggestions of simplicity in a world of complications are welcome
Rhythms catch my toes to tap
Sincerity goes a long way in retrospect of a person's day
Wrapped inside the safeness of arms
Love equals warmth
My heart is built of pleasure & pain and inside my brain I hate that some days it all seems the same
TRS 05'
"until I can find me, I'll be what I am" -crooked fingers
2.12.2006
piano keys- a poem
Piano keys play, I watch the notes gracefully drift away with the breeze.
I hear a child laugh in the distance.
My feet are dancing, dancing around, continuously spinning as if I were floating.
All feels blissful.
Under the vast night sky I tilt my head back, gazing upon the full moon shining ever so brightly… as if it were lighting a path for me to dance along.
I continue spinning, around and around.
Arms stretched out into the atmosphere.
My finger tips so gently caressing the apple blossoms that are in bloom and smell so inviting.
Bare feet in the grass it’s dewy from the night.
I love being bare foot; it reminds me of childhood, memories of innocence and purity.
Between being bare foot in the dewy grass and spinning gazing out to the sky... tears stream down my cheeks as I smile at the moon.
Faster and faster I spin everything is becoming a blur.
All is meshed together... for where it started and where it ends I do not know.
I fall reflective I lay here breathing, all is quiet and calm.
I am serene and will continue on through this journey that I am dancing along. May one day elsewhere I encounter you (the moon), and we will dance again amongst the dew drops, and scent of apple blossoms.
I hear a child laugh in the distance.
My feet are dancing, dancing around, continuously spinning as if I were floating.
All feels blissful.
Under the vast night sky I tilt my head back, gazing upon the full moon shining ever so brightly… as if it were lighting a path for me to dance along.
I continue spinning, around and around.
Arms stretched out into the atmosphere.
My finger tips so gently caressing the apple blossoms that are in bloom and smell so inviting.
Bare feet in the grass it’s dewy from the night.
I love being bare foot; it reminds me of childhood, memories of innocence and purity.
Between being bare foot in the dewy grass and spinning gazing out to the sky... tears stream down my cheeks as I smile at the moon.
Faster and faster I spin everything is becoming a blur.
All is meshed together... for where it started and where it ends I do not know.
I fall reflective I lay here breathing, all is quiet and calm.
I am serene and will continue on through this journey that I am dancing along. May one day elsewhere I encounter you (the moon), and we will dance again amongst the dew drops, and scent of apple blossoms.
12.19.2005
In loving memory...
An Irish Blessing
May the road rise to meet you,May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face,The rains fall soft upon your fields.And until we meet again,May God hold you in the palm of his hand.May God be with you and bless you:May you see your children's children.May you be poor in misfortune,Rich in blessings.May you know nothing but happinessFrom this day forward.May the road rise up to meet youMay the wind be always at your backMay the warm rays of sun fall upon your homeAnd may the hand of a friend always be near.May green be the grass you walk on,May blue be the skies above you,May pure be the joys that surround you,May true be the hearts that love you.
In loving memory of John C. Buck 1952-2005
You were a beautiful man, may you smile always and forever more, I love you so much- you will be greatly missed. You taught me so many things about life, love, and laughter... I shall not forget. I carry you in my heart. Thank you for everything you brought into the lives and hearts of those that knew you, your spirit will live on.
May the road rise to meet you,May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face,The rains fall soft upon your fields.And until we meet again,May God hold you in the palm of his hand.May God be with you and bless you:May you see your children's children.May you be poor in misfortune,Rich in blessings.May you know nothing but happinessFrom this day forward.May the road rise up to meet youMay the wind be always at your backMay the warm rays of sun fall upon your homeAnd may the hand of a friend always be near.May green be the grass you walk on,May blue be the skies above you,May pure be the joys that surround you,May true be the hearts that love you.
In loving memory of John C. Buck 1952-2005
You were a beautiful man, may you smile always and forever more, I love you so much- you will be greatly missed. You taught me so many things about life, love, and laughter... I shall not forget. I carry you in my heart. Thank you for everything you brought into the lives and hearts of those that knew you, your spirit will live on.
9.21.2005
wednesday's 411
Here's some info on me, you may or may not know:
(Thanks 4 the idea Cyn!)
1. Things made with milk make me ill.
2. I am literally the mailman's kid and also the red-headed stepchild.
3. I hope I’m as fun, patient and imaginative as my mother was when I was a child, with my children.
4. I believe in superstitions and karma.
5. I have 5 tattoos- 2 I like, 3 I don’t really care for (hindsight is 20/20).
6. I am a klutz.
7. My family, friends and cats mean everything to me.
8. I used to be in choir (& pretty good), I sang a duet in my Jr. High talent show and won. I was then asked to sing at our 9th gr. graduation/ formal dance.
9. I have a really hard time talking with people who have “jacked” teeth, I just find myself staring.
10. The song “Do You Realize” by the Flaming Lips always gives me goose bumps.
11. I wish I knew how to play acoustic guitar.
12. I have noticeable scars on my arms and hands, but do not wish for them to disappear for they tell a story of who I once was.
13. I find M.C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Dr. Suess’s work inspiring.
14. I have 4 birthmarks (only one is obvious).
15. when i sleep i have to have my feet tucked under the covers cause i'm afraid that something will get them if they aren't... but i hate having the blankets tucked into the bed
16. My favorite smells: crisp air (fall), my grandma, bonfires, lilacs, Jericho and the ocean.
17. Ever since I was a child and every once in awhile now, I have a recurring dream that Captain Hook is chasing my through the field of my Jr. High, but he will never show me his hook.
18. I enjoy taking pictures of people (faces mainly) whether I know them or not, I also doodle. Secretly, I dream someone will notice my work and pay me to doodle and take pictures all day.
19. I don’t like breathing in enclosed/ tight spaces, I feel like I can’t get enough fresh oxygen and start to freak out (I've never understood people who can sleep with the blankets over their head).
20. When I think of my life, the phrase that sums it up is “chaos vs. simplicity.”
(Thanks 4 the idea Cyn!)
1. Things made with milk make me ill.
2. I am literally the mailman's kid and also the red-headed stepchild.
3. I hope I’m as fun, patient and imaginative as my mother was when I was a child, with my children.
4. I believe in superstitions and karma.
5. I have 5 tattoos- 2 I like, 3 I don’t really care for (hindsight is 20/20).
6. I am a klutz.
7. My family, friends and cats mean everything to me.
8. I used to be in choir (& pretty good), I sang a duet in my Jr. High talent show and won. I was then asked to sing at our 9th gr. graduation/ formal dance.
9. I have a really hard time talking with people who have “jacked” teeth, I just find myself staring.
10. The song “Do You Realize” by the Flaming Lips always gives me goose bumps.
11. I wish I knew how to play acoustic guitar.
12. I have noticeable scars on my arms and hands, but do not wish for them to disappear for they tell a story of who I once was.
13. I find M.C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Dr. Suess’s work inspiring.
14. I have 4 birthmarks (only one is obvious).
15. when i sleep i have to have my feet tucked under the covers cause i'm afraid that something will get them if they aren't... but i hate having the blankets tucked into the bed
16. My favorite smells: crisp air (fall), my grandma, bonfires, lilacs, Jericho and the ocean.
17. Ever since I was a child and every once in awhile now, I have a recurring dream that Captain Hook is chasing my through the field of my Jr. High, but he will never show me his hook.
18. I enjoy taking pictures of people (faces mainly) whether I know them or not, I also doodle. Secretly, I dream someone will notice my work and pay me to doodle and take pictures all day.
19. I don’t like breathing in enclosed/ tight spaces, I feel like I can’t get enough fresh oxygen and start to freak out (I've never understood people who can sleep with the blankets over their head).
20. When I think of my life, the phrase that sums it up is “chaos vs. simplicity.”
9.02.2005
todays music & doodle
Iron & Wine- Woman KingStephen Marley- Hey Baby
Mos Def- Umi Says
Razorlight- Golden Touch
A Perfect Circle- Imagine
Root City Band- Sleepwalk
A Tribe Called Quest- Award Tour
The Bens- Just Pretend
Blackalicious- Make You Feel That Way
Fiona Apple- Shadow Boxer
Alicia Keys- Harlem’s Nocturne
Citizen Cope- A Bullet And A Target
Ween- Buenas Tardes Amigo
8.24.2005
8.21.2005
Ode to the tenants of "apartment 106"
hehe... this goes out to deuce and joe.
oh, tenants of 106 you act like fools, but i cannot picture life without you. so many stories to hard to pick one... this picture will do for the imaginations of some.
can't wait till the next time we meet again, for the uncontrolable laughter never ends!
8.05.2005
7.22.2005
gypsy- queen of the cat universe
I love my cat, Gypsy! She is more like a dog than anything else, she hogs the pillow at night (yes, she sleeps on my pillow) and is now extremely spoiled... thanks to Jericho- but I wouldn't change her personality for the world.
7.17.2005
Sunday, Sunday.... oh sweet Sunday
Sundays were meant for relaxing, at least in my opinion. The week is filled structure and schedule enough that I enjoy the fact I try not to plan anything on Sundays. It feels good to wing-it, lay on the couch with Gypsy and watch a movie when its 92 degrees and wicked humid outside. Days like this last week make me really excited for fall.
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