~MY SWEET UGLY~

2011-11-10T01:00:00.002-06:00

time seems to have escaped my fingers, and the days blew like the wind into weeks which turned into months now...

so like pen to paper, my fingers hit the keys, comfortably, yet my mind is starting to race with all the things that have taken place since i've last written. a lot has happened and yet possibly not? maybe in the grand scheme of things, this has only been a minor pace in which life has changed and passed by... but in the daily moments a lot has taken place. *sigh*

science of fear

2011-08-30T13:35:00.000-05:00

How is it that our souls prevail throughout the hardships of humanity?

How one person can make the difference to another, and affect the moments of many?

How inside the spirit of oneself is kindness, compassion, love & warmth- yet actions can come out so skewed and twisted?

How is it that life is beautifully painful and painfully beautiful at the same time?

I would do it all over again...

discover

2011-07-04T23:48:00.003-05:00

you cannot change your past,
and your present is already in motion,
all you can do is make the choices that shape your future...
for the better,
the brighter,
the beautiful.

trs' 11
------------------------

interesting what you learn about yourself when you're living life on life's terms. i am continually amazed... and grateful for change & growth. for without change & growth what is the point, life becomes stagnant and you stop learning.

there is always something to learn, you just need to be open to the lesson.

2011-07-03T20:33:00.000-05:00

I am a fool...

conversations with bug

2011-07-01T11:49:00.004-05:00

Ro and i went for a walk around the neighborhood the other night:

Ro: "COME ON MOM, come on..."
Me: "where we going bug?"
Ro: "come on, come on mom (she grabs my hand and tugs) look mom, toys!"
Me: "oh, yes they have toys in their yard, but we can't use them honey... they aren't ours."
Ro: "why? Roen share with momma! i share mom."

the next day in the car driving down the highway:

Ro: "SNAKE! SNNAAAKKKEEE!! SNAKE MOM!"
Me: "WHAT! a snake? where Ro?"
Ro: "snake mom, see.... (Ro holds up her arm and wiggles her pointer finger)"
Me: "haha, your arm is a snake?"
Ro: "yea mom, LOOK (pointing to her wrist and wiggling her pointer finger) a BIG, BIG snake!"
Me: "WOW! that is a BIG snake Ro"
Ro: "momma NO touch, wild snake! no touch mom!"
Me: "ok, i won't touch your wild snake (laughing at this point)
Ro: "Ro tattoo of snake mom... tattoo like momma please!"

this morning on the way to daycare:

Ro: "momma meatballs!"
Me: "what about meatballs?"
Ro: (singing) momma and Roen meatballs, la la la (mumble, mumble) meatballs"
Me: "Ro & mom are meatballs?"
Ro: "YEAH MEATBALLS! (singing again) momma & Roen meatballs!"
(I have never given Ro meatballs! haha)

MAN, I LOVE KIDS!!!

tinkering/editing photos

2011-06-29T10:37:00.002-05:00

2011-06-24T15:34:00.002-05:00

it's a wicked good day!!!

love days like today when i'm in a great mood, regardless what else is going on in life... i'm making a choice to be happy today dangnabit- guess what, it's working!

night

2011-06-20T23:08:00.005-05:00

i lie awake most nights thinking, letting my mind sift through thoughts & feeling that get caught in the cobwebs & corners. been sitting outside a lot at night once Ro is in bed, when the dusk sets in and silence falls into the atmosphere (as much as it can in the city), just listening to the wind rustle through the trees and the occasional neighbor playing guitar outside. it helps calm me down and helps me remember the simpler things that make sense and bring contentment in all the madness & chaos going on.

Atmosphere - She's Enough

2011-06-18T01:43:00.000-05:00

Saint Theresa

2011-06-08T23:14:00.005-05:00

i am named after Saint Theresa. Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little
Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with
great love.... She is represented by roses.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that
has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to
sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

replenish

2011-06-02T23:51:00.003-05:00

silence is the stillness of the earth
as the wind rustles through the trees
thoughts and feelings escape
picked up and carried away
leaving peace to fill the soul
trs' 2011

OLD STUFF

2011-05-25T23:05:00.002-05:00

Time beside me, it is truly at test of virtue. I paused for a week or so to watch the crazy imagery of colors circling the sky in emerald and auburn. Beyond all the complexity and intertwining colors above me (so perfectly settled in the atmosphere)…it all seems so simple and beautiful, freeing almost. Tic, tic, tock, tic, tic, tock… Does anything this raspy voice I hear, tell me the truth? I create, each and every waking day something of substance, for my heart to rest in the melodies of the madness that play alongside the rumble of tires on pavement and my thumb tapping the steering wheel. Meeting myself somewhere… somewhere in the distance, the clouds carry on, on with their conversation. I chase the blackness of tar ever drawn out into the horizon, and roll on…
-------------------------------

When one is pulled in numerous directions do they not detach? Some days it feels like there is so much going on (inside me and all around me)… that I feel like a string puppet waiting for the next move of the master puppeteer in the sky to guide me as to where to go. Everyday things surround me in a muddle. Internally, I cringe not knowing where to begin, this mass pile of emotion has built up and enmeshed itself with my innards, making a simple move difficult or doubtful. Things seem to appear so differently on the outer surface... I try to appear put together, that mostly things are in order, when the truth sits at my side, patiently awaiting its turn. Life, my life isn’t a nice bow-tied package all tidy and clean cut... it’s a cluster. A mixture of interlocked emotions, scenarios, music notes, faces, words, and memories (good and bad)... life is life. I expect nothing more and nothing less of it. 04'
-------------------------------

why is it...
do I still do what is already known
outcomes of reason
possibilities of logic
sail away within my day
never knowing
always growing
ever changing
constant imagery before my eyes
awareness into the depths of my core
white breath
exhale
inhale
once again repeat 04'
--------------------------------

Sideways from Sunday, I breathe in simplicity.
Conversations held mask deep rooted emotions.
Gravity settles on my chest and I feel safe crying beneath the rain.
Emptiness and nothingness do not come without a price tag.
I talk with the stars for comfort as the moon escapes my fingertips.
My heart and its contents entwine, creating a web spun from the contents of my life.
Time quickly passes and clocks remain frozen still.
Images of beauty fill wasted space inside my imagination.
Echoes in my laughter bring tears of bliss that roll down my cheek.
A gentle embracing whisper pulls me awake.
I remember… remember the voice that loves me.04'
----------------------------------

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence 04'
-----------------------------------

Simple things make me, make my days brighter and help me slow down in the middle of the busier side of life that I have become accustom too. When I was out yesterday I noticed some of the simpler things that easily get overlooked in the hustle and shuffle of everyday. The sound of children playing, the way grass feels on bare feet, picking an old dandelion and blowing the seeds off into the wind, smiling and saying ‘hi’ to people in passing. I walked down the alley to the park near my apt. last night and came across a single painted daisy growing out of a crack in the pavement. I stopped and studied it, contemplated going to get my camera to capture it but then decided to keep it to myself and started walking again and placed the solo daisy in my place of feel goods and memories. 04'
--------------------------------------

Inexperienced minds (souls) think they have the upper hand, passing out pain to those unknowing… only to speak of honesty and trust. I laugh. Honesty and trust? I have yet to meet someone other than a close friend or family member who will say what they mean and mean what they say. I find that rather sad, and it grieves me for the future. If people cannot be honest and trustworthy then what are we left and what is going to happen with future generations taught? Will we become a society based on corrupt souls who survive off each other and what we can gain from other people? 05'
--------------------------------------

Quote by William James – “I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big successes. I am for those tiny, invisible loving human forces that work from individual to individual, creeping through the crannies of the world like so many rootlets, or like the capillaries.”

I have a song that I keep listening too, in excess. It reaches into my being and clutches the dreamer inside me… stirring my wanderlust (which I try so hard to keep at bay). Yearning to be somewhere else, for something else… not knowing why, what or where precisely, but in the meantime I’m overcome with a sense of inner peace. 05'
----------------------------------------

Imagine a stargazing vision of growing wings. Beautiful, elegant wings so that you might fly free. Soaring into the unknown world of dreams, hopes, beliefs, and wishes only to realize that you were truly free to begin with. It's the choices, and decisions that you make daily that hinder you feeling to be free and fly. Never forget the feeling of soaring in the world, with the wind gently blowing at your face, the lightness you feel in your toes and your carefree stature...because you are flying free with wings that you imagined for yourself. 05'

wind through the willow

2011-05-24T09:00:00.008-05:00

in the wee hours of the night pondering what the lesson is in all this, the last yr of my life. am i happy? yes! have the pain, tears & heartache been without reward? no, i have reaped so many benefits from this, even if it doesn't feel like it at times- i know in my heart i have. i am happy (most days), content and free. i am myself again, and that is an amazing feeling. it's been quiet the journey back to discovering myself again. funny the things you promise or barter with the spirits out there if you could only crawl back into yourself- maybe a little bruised and banged up, but not broken. i will never give up who i am again or allow someone to tear me down & strip me of who i am to fit 'their' mold. nothing is that important that you need to lose yourself for another. there is always compromise, flexibility and mtg halfway. ppl can't change ppl, just accept & love them as they are- that is all anyone can ask. to be loved, cared for, accepted for who they truly are unconditionally.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

there's a reason i said i'd be happy alone.
it wasn't cause i thought i'd be happy alone.
it was because i thought if i loved someone,
and then it fell apart...
i might not make it.

it's easier to be alone
because what if you learn that you need love,
and then you don't have it.

what if you like it and lean on it
what if you shape your life around it
and then it falls apart...
or does it?

-Unknown

goodbye

2011-04-27T21:03:00.006-05:00

you sent me to the brink last night...

sadly, i've known that conversation has been a long time in the making, and that it would happen sooner or later. i wasn't prepared for it to be last night, but i don't think i could have ever been able to prepare for what you said.

i'm letting go of you, of this false image of what you should have been in my life, cause in reality, you are just a man. you gave me life and i thank you for that, but it ends there.

see i had a father, an amazing dad (who stepped up when he didn't have to, but wanted too), who i miss everyday dearly! he was the one i needed in my life, to show me beauty, love, compassion, strength and humility to live and occasionally, to fall down, pick myself up and take on life again, unafraid.

i say goodbye, this isn't healthy and i've been through too much in my young life to allow you to treat me the way you did last night, again! i have spent endless time and energy trying to figure out where i went wrong... here's the thing it took last night to open my eyes, it wasn't & isn't me nor my fault. i was an infant, you chose to leave. i stood up to you finally, and am not going to feel guilty anymore for your choices that you made that affected our relationship.

i said what i needed to say last night. i made my 'peace' with the reality of our relationship, there is none... and now, now i let you go and move forward, putting one foot in front of the other, breathing and knowing that this didn't break me. does it hurt, yea... but pain fades and all things heal with time & patience.

i am still me, with or without you.

blood is not always thicker...

2011-04-20T08:26:00.003-05:00

just because we are blood, does NOT make you family!

family:
is unconditional.
is love.
is respect.
is care.
is strength.
is belief.
is there for you.

... too little, too late.

i made it this far in my life without you, and like who i am! i'm tired of the guilt trips you lay down, the truth is you left me when i was 3 days old. that was your choice.

i had an amazing father, who loved me for me, unconditionally. who was there, believed in me and stood by my side throughout my life. i was blessed-n-lucky to have had him in my life for the time i did & will forever be grateful.

the middle

2011-04-13T15:34:00.001-05:00

i am not the person i once was,
and i am not the person i will be.
i am somewhere in the middle,
the middle of being me.

trs 11'

Eyes wide open

2011-04-11T11:27:00.002-05:00

I picked up my camera again, it's been a long time. Felt good, like crawling back into a part of myself I let go of. Through the lens I like how I can skew the view of the world into raw images, amazing how comfortable I became within a few clicks of the shutter. Letting go of the anger, frustration, fear and regrets/remorse. I am not innocent in all this, I know I caused pain and let pain be placed upon me... But I'm not 'damaged goods' and I try to forgive everyday, sometime multiple times a day. Anger is wasted energy on me, I want to put my energy into positives, healing and being myself again. So far so good, somedays are worse than others and somedays are beautiful, but as long as I can move forward I will be ok. I have the most supportive family & friends I could ask for, they have truly loved me where I am at and believe in me. I cannot ask for more in them for they have been everything that I have needed, even if I didn't want it. In situations like this you find out quickly who has your back unconditionally and who you can let go of. Sides were chosen, as I expected and that is ok. I have let go of wanting to know why? I don't need or get to know, I have accepted this. Realizations aren't always easy to face and can be painful to get through, but no one said life was easy and that everything you need would be handed to you... It isn't. I have to put in the work to heal myself and be me again, it isn't going to just happen. This journey has been difficult to say the least, but the more I move forward the
more I like what I am discovering and reconnecting with myself. A lot of tears, anger, resentments but there also been a lot of love, laughter and healing thus far. The heart, mind and soul of an individual are strong and if given the opportunity can pull through just about anything if belief and faith in oneself is present, even in the smallest amount... It will grow and flourish. No one can bring or give me happiness, that is for me to find again, which I am and it is extremely beautiful. No one is in charge of my happiness or my life, this is all on me and I am grateful for the strength I have to get through this and have come across some amazing realizations and discoveries that have helped me heal tremendously. I like being back in my skin again, in charge of my life, well being and happiness instead of just going through the motions and being 'there' but checked out. People can add to my happiness and make me laugh and remember this is all temporary as long as I keep moving forward and forgive. I like me again, I love life again and damn I missed laughing, feels so good to laugh- it's such a good release!

the road not taken by robert frost

2011-04-03T21:10:00.001-05:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

2011-03-26T21:12:00.006-05:00

look at us, running around, always rushed, always late, guess that's why they call it the human race. what we crave most in this world is connection. and for some people it happens at first sight, it's when you know, you know. it's fate working its magic and that's great for them. they get to live in a pop song & ride the express train. but that's not the way it really works. for the rest of us, it's a less bit romantic, it's complicated, it's messy, it's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities and not being able to say what you need to say, when you need to say it.

look at us, running around, always rushed, always late, guess that's why they call it the human race. but sometimes it slows down enough where all the pieces fall into place. fate works it magic, and you're connected.

every once in awhile amid all the randomness, something unexpected happens and it pushes us forward.

-the switch

'you keep on knockin' but you can't come in'

2011-03-20T17:38:00.001-05:00

keep trying you aren't going to break me,
i'm stronger than you ever gave me credit for.

flame

2011-03-15T20:27:00.004-05:00

brightly it burns, steady and straight
but with change it struggles, flickering back and forth wildly
struggling to regain its composure, its strength
searching for the common ground, between itself and outside forces
a constant battle against things out of its control
offering all it can, while simply holding onto itself
burning brightly until it is no more

1 can change everything

2011-03-14T14:03:00.005-05:00

there are 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls.

and sometimes, just sometimes...

all you need is 1.

beauty in the beakdown

2011-03-08T16:56:00.004-06:00

when life feels unjust
and the heart weighs heavy
tears flow freely
cleansing the soul
quivering lips and trembling shoulders
yearning for the release
to wash away pain & fear
and breathe in hope and belief
to let go completely...

there is beauty in the breakdown.

The Backyard: Mumford and Sons - "Awake My Soul"

2011-03-06T11:32:00.000-06:00

e.e. cummings

2011-02-28T13:12:00.000-06:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

....

2011-02-23T09:34:00.000-06:00

brain,

please take a hiatus... i need a break.

thank you.
me

ponder

2011-02-14T22:55:00.002-06:00

what is it that makes us perceive things the way we do and other things differently. and how have the experiences in our lives changed our perceptions, ideal, values, morals and beliefs of things negatively or positively? and what constitutes it being a negative or positive change, if there is any change at all? doesn't it all boil down to self perception and perceptions of the world around us in our own opinion?

nobody said it was easy

2011-02-09T10:32:00.003-06:00

we all have our flaws
... our burdens to bear
... and pain to endure

but none of that is without the knowledge there is more out there.

we all want true happiness
... to love fully without hesitation
... and to fulfill our souls

to be ones self completely without reservations & knowing that being yourself is exactly what we all need and want. getting there is another journey, and nobody said it would be easy.

shel silverstein

2011-02-02T23:41:00.001-06:00

Tell Me - by Shel Silverstein

Tell me I'm clever,
Tell me I'm kind,
Tell me I'm talented,
Tell me I'm cute,
Tell me I'm sensitive,
Graceful and wise,
Tell me I'm perfect -
But tell me the truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ations- by Shel Silverstein

If we meet and I say, "Hi,"
That's a salutation.
If you ask me how I feel,
That's consideration
If we stop and talk a while,
That's a conversation.
If we understand each other,
That's communication.
If we argue, scream and fight,
That's an altercation.
If we later apologize,
That's reconciliation.
If we help each other home,
That's cooperation.
And all these ations added up
Make civilization.

(And if I say this is a wonderful poem,
Is that exaggeration?)

heart you

2011-01-23T22:10:00.002-06:00

to dream as if you've never experienced pain
to laugh as if its the beginning
to cry as if its your last

live as if you are new to life,
to see all without hesitation and doubt,
moving forward putting one foot in front of the other,
knowing that this is the right action regardless the direction
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

gentle whispers among endless spoken words,
soak into my heart... making a place for themselves, its calming.
knowing the power that the simplest things have is scary, but worthwhile
believing in things that i have not grasped or touched, the moment itself seems forever away... but the belief is there

2011-01-20T15:52:00.001-06:00

beastie boys -'sabatoge' as loud as i can handle... either that or smack the stupid out of someone!

Bugga' turns 2!!!

2011-01-05T22:05:00.004-06:00

Happy Birthday,
Roen Marley!

You are the light of my life, the apple of my eye... my heart!

I cannot imagine life without you, you are such a wild card (wonder where you got it ;). I adore every moment with you!

Love you Bugga', so much!

unexplainable & i believe...

2011-01-02T23:41:00.003-06:00

there are things that happen in life that are unexplainable.
the reasons why are not always the answers we thought we needed...
sometimes its the journey that it takes us on, the pain, the healing, the unexplainable.

there are days i don't ask why, i don't want to know why. i need to trust that i am where i need to be & that i'm headed in the right direction to where i am going... even if i get a little lost along the way (its the journey).
------------------------

i believe...
in myself (most days).
in the better of humanity.
that people get lost withing themselves and struggle at times to find a way back.
in karma.
being grateful is good place to start.
people intend to do good in this world, but things get messed up along the way.
my life will all work out... even if i don't know the outcome.
my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
that there is more for me out there than what i currently have.
in love.
in truth & honesty, that it really can set you free.
majority of people are more selfless than selfish, even if it doesn't feel like it.
in positive attitude.
life is what you make it.
what you put out into this world is what you get back.
sometimes good people have bad shit happen for no reason.
in romance.
all things heal in time.
a good cry can be healing.
in my family & friends.
people make things to complicated at times.

Avett Brothers

2010-12-22T15:51:00.001-06:00

... but, I can't go back,
I don't want too.
Cause all my mistakes,
they brought me to you.

would you hear me...?

2010-12-22T12:34:00.010-06:00

Forever always seems to be around when it begins,
but forever never seems to be around when it ends.

People spend so much time every single day...
runnin' round all over town giving their forever away
But no, not me, I wont let my forever roam,
now I hope I can find my forever home.

So give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do... from you.
---------------

I'd rather walk along, than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself, than let you drag me down.

Further along we just may....
-----

when your whole world is shaken, from all the risks you've have taken
when you have awoken, from all the dreams broken
the paths were walking on, they crumble behind us
but if we leave now, they will never find us
when you start hoping again, with your arms wide open...
come on dance with me into the colors of the dusk

'apple of my eye'

2010-12-19T13:54:00.004-06:00

I miss the bejesus out of you Dad,
There is so much about what happened, what you did that I will never understand. So many thing etched into me permanently from that day. My life had drastically changed without my knowledge and again, I was left trying to hold myself together. I have my days when I accept as much as I can about your decision and I have my days when my soul aches. I do hope that you found the peace you needed. I love you.
------

memories that should be pleasant, filled with pain and loss.
pictures that would represent what should be, now fill space in a shoebox
dreams shattered without her knowledge
she trembles, tears from a heavy heart stream down her face
she keeps breathing
-----

is it easier to be a robot and not feel anything than to feel everything?
shutting down doesn't work anymore... not with this
walls crumble over time and I'm too tired to put them back up
raw... but real, everything is real
-----

Retrospect for Life

2010-12-15T09:35:00.001-06:00

315 dollars ain't worth your soul...
315 dollars ain't worth your soul...

-Common

simple and strong

2010-12-12T00:02:00.003-06:00

set me free and let me be...
i'll do me & you do you,
its healthier than the games we used to do.

as darkness settles into the twilight,
the release of all & nothing come with it.

feelings dissipate,
being of my own being again
& realizations that were long overdue.

heartache & pain, necessary evils
its what i choose to do with it.
it touches & changes me
ever knowing,
ever growing
into the person that i am meant to be.
--------------------------------------------------

life isn't fully lived without pain, laughter and love
--------------------------------------------------

some of the simplest things evoke the strongest emotions- and for that i am grateful!

cause I have nothing left in me to give tonight

2010-12-09T23:25:00.001-06:00

That secret that you know
That you don't know how to tell
it f--ks with your honor
And it teases your head
But you know that its good girl
Cause its running you with red. - Bon Iver

(wink)

2010-12-08T23:45:00.000-06:00

... damn it feels good to be me again!

no vacancy

2010-12-02T23:15:00.003-06:00

"get out of my head" - you are not able to suck up space in my head without my permission or paying a toll...

thoughts drift to and fro... as quickly as the wind blows
melodies play in my heart of things unspoken but felt to the core of my being
fragile eyes look out unto the world
wonder
longing
desire
hope
exterior masks start to crumble as pieces of myself stand again
---------------------

... but this is the part where I tell you about the gradual reclamation of my soul, isn't it? I admit that the soul's not nearly mine yet. There are still several payments to make but I'll begin by saying that I discovered that there was something there for me to reclaim.
- excerpt from the book 'how soon is never?'
---------------------

I'm busy holding myself together with tape and glue...
pieces of me broken,
patches of my life,
myself,
being held together with tape and glue...
sometimes this is simply all I can muster to do.
(early 2010)

changeover

2010-11-25T20:44:00.003-06:00

I will not be stifled
by those who deny growth
by ideas which forbid unfolding
by laws which suppress maturing.

I will not be intimidated
by the dictates of permanence.
I will not be smothered
by pretty mediocrity.
I will not be restrained
by the safe players.

I will protest the denial of life
and forge ahead.
How else will you and I meet?
The common place will not feed us.
We will starve in the middle of plenty.

I will make contact with myself
and grow toward you
with that extra sense of touch.
I will see you with the inner eye,
hear your unspoken words,
walk more than a mile with you.

I will be unpredictable.
I will live.
- Ulrich Schaffer
----------------------------------------------------------------

All growing is changing
from one state to another.
Leaving a world behind,
entering the fear of the
unaccustomed;
of colors that don't blend
of holy words that jar
of fractures that give rise
to visions.

We have left one realm
but have not arrived at the other.
We have given up one safety
but not gained another.
Above the gazing crowd
the trapeze artist lets go of his swing,
and then, if his timing is right
seizes the other swing,
without
asking time to stop for him.
That is the fight into growth.

That is the changeover
in which we experience our nakedness
to the point of hurting.
But there is not real growth without leaping,
without burning bridges
and standing wide- eyed and shivering
on a new shore.

And yet
without growth
there is nothing.
-Ulrich Schaffer

chaos vs. simplicity... where to even begin?

2010-11-25T00:21:00.003-06:00

It has been awhile, quite awhile actually.

Lets start with the basics:

I have a daughter, a beautiful, just shy of being two little girl who is the 'apple of my eye'- she literally makes my heart dance with joy just being around her.

I am a single.

I went back to working for a previous employer, it puts a roof over 'bugs' head and pays our bills and in this economy I am grateful.

I think that covers it, or at least what I want to cover for the time being.

I have been writing a lot lately, most of it is just random thoughts that pop into my head or things that I just need to scribble down on the back of an old receipt so that I can take back my brain for awhile. I haven't had the urge or craving to draw lately, which is rather sad... its such a good outlet for me to have (along with some coffee and music). Maybe it will return, but for now I'll be content with the scribblings on receipts that I keep and ponder on later down the road at times. Poetry comes and goes in my brain, but I haven't written anything down for awhile for fear that it will become permanent... what an odd fear, now that I see it in writing. Possibly a fear that the words will be so strong and overcome me with permanence is a better way to put it?

random writing and poems

2006-05-24T13:01:00.000-05:00

Ahhis this the other end of my brain (said the spider to the fly)? Though you may be sleeping, and I am awake the world may be a bit off-centered, but I have fairy dust faith in saying that we will surely overcorrect the damage done, with enthusiasm adventures awaiting you and I, or me and you, (a.e.i.o.u and sometimes why?) in the midst of the maze only to be had with caf o mania and cackles o plenty protruding from bellies beyond anything anyone is even knowledgeable of thus, my associate wake and we shall tread on the world in style leaving no doors to barricade our wanderlust vision. The Ghostbusters are creeping closer and closer but have yet to find me (safely wedged in my cubicle). Shhhh, its a secret, do not tell them where I am located. I beg of you, youre forefathers and the voices (in your head, or was it mine) for the being of my safety harness is in jeopardy!!! It was a close call yesterday, phew! They were clinging to my exhaust pipe on my sleek black samurai Hummer honda, while I trailed up hwy 52 home but I got em, I got em good too! A teardrop on the dark side of the moon life I live, strumming along with my tires on the pavement for this is one wild hwy I travel. Some days it feels more like a wave coaster, but sadly I think this only when I am stuck in auto pilot for the sea monkeys have invaded my common sense and all is lost to the unknown of King Kong and his endless growing infatuation with lima beans. I will eat you alive, I mumble.

untitled:
Silver clouds create pressure on the air which I breathe
Small stints of comedic relief wither and wane
Undeviating reminders of unpleasing times
Wasting time over things which will never be
Darkness holds on as light begins to creep through the crack
Suggestions of simplicity in a world of complications are welcome
Rhythms catch my toes to tap
Sincerity goes a long way in retrospect of a person's day
Wrapped inside the safeness of arms
Love equals warmth
My heart is built of pleasure & pain and inside my brain I hate that some days it all seems the same
TRS 05'

"until I can find me, I'll be what I am" -crooked fingers

piano keys- a poem

2006-02-12T01:51:00.001-06:00

Piano keys play, I watch the notes gracefully drift away with the breeze.
I hear a child laugh in the distance.
My feet are dancing, dancing around, continuously spinning as if I were floating.
All feels blissful.
Under the vast night sky I tilt my head back, gazing upon the full moon shining ever so brightly… as if it were lighting a path for me to dance along.
I continue spinning, around and around.
Arms stretched out into the atmosphere.
My finger tips so gently caressing the apple blossoms that are in bloom and smell so inviting.
Bare feet in the grass it’s dewy from the night.
I love being bare foot; it reminds me of childhood, memories of innocence and purity.
Between being bare foot in the dewy grass and spinning gazing out to the sky... tears stream down my cheeks as I smile at the moon.
Faster and faster I spin everything is becoming a blur.
All is meshed together... for where it started and where it ends I do not know.
I fall reflective I lay here breathing, all is quiet and calm.
I am serene and will continue on through this journey that I am dancing along. May one day elsewhere I encounter you (the moon), and we will dance again amongst the dew drops, and scent of apple blossoms.

In loving memory...

2005-12-19T10:57:00.000-06:00

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face,The rains fall soft upon your fields.And until we meet again,May God hold you in the palm of his hand.May God be with you and bless you:May you see your children's children.May you be poor in misfortune,Rich in blessings.May you know nothing but happinessFrom this day forward.May the road rise up to meet youMay the wind be always at your backMay the warm rays of sun fall upon your homeAnd may the hand of a friend always be near.May green be the grass you walk on,May blue be the skies above you,May pure be the joys that surround you,May true be the hearts that love you.

In loving memory of John C. Buck 1952-2005

You were a beautiful man, may you smile always and forever more, I love you so much- you will be greatly missed. You taught me so many things about life, love, and laughter... I shall not forget. I carry you in my heart. Thank you for everything you brought into the lives and hearts of those that knew you, your spirit will live on.

wednesday's 411

2005-09-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

Here's some info on me, you may or may not know:
(Thanks 4 the idea Cyn!)

1. Things made with milk make me ill.
2. I am literally the mailman's kid and also the red-headed stepchild.
3. I hope I’m as fun, patient and imaginative as my mother was when I was a child, with my children.
4. I believe in superstitions and karma.
5. I have 5 tattoos- 2 I like, 3 I don’t really care for (hindsight is 20/20).
6. I am a klutz.
7. My family, friends and cats mean everything to me.
8. I used to be in choir (& pretty good), I sang a duet in my Jr. High talent show and won. I was then asked to sing at our 9th gr. graduation/ formal dance.
9. I have a really hard time talking with people who have “jacked” teeth, I just find myself staring.
10. The song “Do You Realize” by the Flaming Lips always gives me goose bumps.
11. I wish I knew how to play acoustic guitar.
12. I have noticeable scars on my arms and hands, but do not wish for them to disappear for they tell a story of who I once was.
13. I find M.C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Dr. Suess’s work inspiring.
14. I have 4 birthmarks (only one is obvious).
15. when i sleep i have to have my feet tucked under the covers cause i'm afraid that something will get them if they aren't... but i hate having the blankets tucked into the bed
16. My favorite smells: crisp air (fall), my grandma, bonfires, lilacs, Jericho and the ocean.
17. Ever since I was a child and every once in awhile now, I have a recurring dream that Captain Hook is chasing my through the field of my Jr. High, but he will never show me his hook.
18. I enjoy taking pictures of people (faces mainly) whether I know them or not, I also doodle. Secretly, I dream someone will notice my work and pay me to doodle and take pictures all day.
19. I don’t like breathing in enclosed/ tight spaces, I feel like I can’t get enough fresh oxygen and start to freak out (I've never understood people who can sleep with the blankets over their head).
20. When I think of my life, the phrase that sums it up is “chaos vs. simplicity.”

todays music & doodle

2005-09-02T14:11:00.000-05:00

Iron & Wine- Woman King
Stephen Marley- Hey Baby
Mos Def- Umi Says
Razorlight- Golden Touch
A Perfect Circle- Imagine
Root City Band- Sleepwalk
A Tribe Called Quest- Award Tour
The Bens- Just Pretend
Blackalicious- Make You Feel That Way
Fiona Apple- Shadow Boxer
Alicia Keys- Harlem’s Nocturne
Citizen Cope- A Bullet And A Target
Ween- Buenas Tardes Amigo

2005-08-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

on days like today... I doodle.
Posted by Picasa

Ode to the tenants of "apartment 106"

2005-08-21T21:51:00.000-05:00

hehe... this goes out to deuce and joe.

oh, tenants of 106 you act like fools, but i cannot picture life without you. so many stories to hard to pick one... this picture will do for the imaginations of some.

can't wait till the next time we meet again, for the uncontrolable laughter never ends!

2005-08-05T09:52:00.000-05:00

I'm still waiting...

gypsy- queen of the cat universe

2005-07-22T00:43:00.000-05:00

I love my cat, Gypsy! She is more like a dog than anything else, she hogs the pillow at night (yes, she sleeps on my pillow) and is now extremely spoiled... thanks to Jericho- but I wouldn't change her personality for the world.

Sunday, Sunday.... oh sweet Sunday

2005-07-17T22:08:00.000-05:00

Sundays were meant for relaxing, at least in my opinion. The week is filled structure and schedule enough that I enjoy the fact I try not to plan anything on Sundays. It feels good to wing-it, lay on the couch with Gypsy and watch a movie when its 92 degrees and wicked humid outside. Days like this last week make me really excited for fall.

the fridge list

2005-07-12T16:19:00.000-05:00

The fridge list is a blank piece of paper placed on the fridge and when someone says a word (i.e. a made up word) or horribly mispronounces a word then said persons name and the word that they said are then placed on this list for all to see.

It’s rather entertaining and humiliating at the same time… especially if you swear the word your saying is actually a word. Example: last night some friends and I were at my house hanging out… some went to leave and we were talking about possibly going to play laser tag and I was like… “Yeah, I will totally vouge for laser tag!!!” all excited I’d been introduced to a new activity to do this winter with friends. Jangles, mister dictionary himself looks at me and goes… “What did you say?” so I repeated myself again and he says… “You mean you’ll vouch for laser tag, right?” and I go… “No, its vouge…” and he’s starts laughing. Long story shortened- I’ve been saying vouge for vouch my whole life and absolutely had no idea that I was wrong.

Now the question is… can you speak Teresa?

2005-07-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

welcome to the beginning...